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the funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DATE: 08/20/2007 14:21:51 / MOOD: full of life

 
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION: A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.  "Can I borrow the dog?"  "Get in line."

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make you think..
DATE: 08/20/2007 14:18:17 / MOOD: full of life

 
This takes a few minutes, but guarenteed to remind you of a time when being a kid was easy and fun. Enjoy the memory.
DO REMEMBER WHEN............ 
 All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?</> It took 5 minutes for the TV warm up?</>
 Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
 Nobody owned a purebred dog?
 When a quarter was a decent allowance?
 You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
 All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
 You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
 And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
 Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
 It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
 They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did?
 When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?</>  No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car,</> in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?   Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a.... "</> and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?</>   Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?</>  And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,</> and share it with the children of today?  When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?</> **And my personal favorite: 
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. </>
 Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
 Can you still remember....
 Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery,</> the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
 Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk?
 As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, </>
 and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
 I double dog dare you to pass it on (but you don't have to).
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between</>
old enough to know better and too young to care.
 How many oof the following do you remember?</>
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Keds
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Edgewood 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Kick Ball
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards-with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
*Jolly Rodgers in Leveittown
*Jahn's Ice Cream Palor in Levittown
*Levittown Roller Rink
 Do you remember a time when...
 Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
 Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
 "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
 Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
 It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
 The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
 Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
 A foot of snow was a dream come true?
 Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action
figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
 Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
 The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
 War was a card game?
 Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
 Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
 Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
 If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
 Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
 their "grown-up" life .
I double-dog-dare you!

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florida couple
DATE: 08/07/2007 09:04:49 / MOOD: disapointed

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, goes to a sex therapist's >office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you? The man says, "Will you >watch us >have sexual intercourse? The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so  >amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he >agrees. >When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing >wrong >with the way you have intercourse."  > >He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, >and he says good-bye. > >The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to >watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens  >several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have >intercourse with >no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of >this >routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you  >trying to find out?" > >The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married >and >we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday  >Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get >$43 >back from Medicare. 



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dirt words
DATE: 08/02/2007 10:05:21 / MOOD: drunk

DIRTY WORDS...THOSE DIRTY WORDSPlease excuse the rough language in the following story . . .A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother."Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?""Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So romantic . .Suddenly she burst out crying.  "But, mama, as soon as we returned,Reggie started using the most horrible language . . .things I'd never heard before!  I mean, all these awful four-letter words!You've got to take me home . . ., PLEASE MAMA!""Maxine, Maxine," her mother said, "calm down!You need to stay with your husband and work this out.Now, tell me, what could be so awful?WHAT four-letter words?""Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!COME GET ME, PLEASE!!""Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"Sobbing, the bride said,"Oh, Mama . . ., he used words likedust, wash, iron, cook . . .""I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.


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